having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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