Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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