A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
