I wannas sexs uuuuu
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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