I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
