chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
