You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
