she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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