can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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