Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
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Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Never underestimate the power of titties
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