I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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