Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
