After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
