So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
