Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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