I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
