You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I deserve this hangover.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
