i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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