My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
