Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
