does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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