nut hugger
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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