I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
