i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
