I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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