You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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Are my feet made of real feet?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
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The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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