I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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