I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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