I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
