I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
