I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Randomize
