Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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