Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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