It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
