Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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