Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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