Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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