I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
