what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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