don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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