He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
