I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
