Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She told me I should be a condom model.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
