I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
