I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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