Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Drunk is a universal language darling
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