Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
