im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
