I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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