The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
