I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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