Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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