this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
