my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
