weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
