I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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