im drinking this country out of the recession.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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