I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
