Got a toothbrush?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
