I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So squirting runs in the family.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
